A chubby, brown skinned young woman in a blue T-shirt sporting classic Super Mario Bros. sprites and black framed, pseudo-cat-eye glasses walks through the backstage area of an elegant old theater. The lights are dim and the shadows heavy, and the sandbags above her head dangle ominously, like something out of an old horror movie—the ones that were actually spooky and atmospheric, not just bloody-gory to the extreme. Suddenly, she hears a floorboard creak and slow footsteps just within the deepest shadows before her. When the footsteps stop, she is greeted by a male voice which sounds as if it should belong to a young man in his later teens. That’s him—The Hellfire Lord…
Quick Facts About The Hellfire Lord Goramesh
Weapon of Choice: Blazing hellfire, pure brute strength, and any random thing he can get his hands on…
Favorite Color: The Reds, Oranges, and Golds of a Raging Conflagration
The Hellfire Lord Goramesh: Thou art late, wench. Nearly an half hour have I awaited thine arrival…and I see ’twas not due to thee taking an excess of time to tighten thy corset…
Danielle Freeman: Excuse me, but you were the one who wanted to do this interview in the spooky old theater in the middle of the night! Also, if you make one more comment about my weight, I’m going to make you watch Kill la Kill.
H.F.L.G.: *swallows hard* Thou wouldst not…
D.F.: Alright, now that we’ve got that squared away…Question number one: Why are you not, you know, blazing with flame right now?
H.F.L.G.: Embarrassingly enough, due to my centuries of confinement, my power hath been temporarily reduced. My recovery hath been intolerably slow, the torment of it only worsened by that meddling old cur…
D.F.: By “meddling old cur,” I’m guessing you mean Falcon Bendis? So, you really aren’t fond of him, are you?
H.F.L.G.: Nay, I am not! I am The Hellfire Lord Goramesh! The Devil of Flame! The Destroyer! The Forbidden One! …And that graceless old varlet treateth me as if I am naught but an ill-behaved child!! It is humiliating!!
D.F.: Well, you kind of did jump into that brawl with the Three Sages of Truth without even considering that it might be a trap, so…
H.F.L.G.: How was I to know of their flame extinguishing circle?! I knew not even that such wicked magic did exist in this world! Still, I fought on with all of my might, cursing them even as they imprisoned me.
D.F.: And what was that like? Your imprisonment?
H.F.L.G.: It was a deep slumber, filled with nightmares, one after the other, in an unending torrent of suffering. The pain of it was so great that mine only thought upon awakening was to kill all who stood before me, whether they be my jailors or not.
D.F.: So, as soon as you woke up, your first thought was to take your suffering out on whoever just set you free…? You’re…you’re not very good at dealing with your emotions, are you?
H.F.L.G.: What meanest thou, woman? I do unto others what hath been done unto me, it is as simple a matter as that, and I have been made to suffer. For that, I unleash suffering upon the world!
D.F.: Ooookaaay…somebody needs a therapist…Anyway, speaking of suffering and torment, the legends speak of you being a brutal and vicious fighter who will use anything within reach as a weapon. How true is that?
H.F.L.G.: As true as the existence of the air we breathe. Verily, I have used corpses, severed limbs, rocks, bottles, oxcarts—oxen still yoked thereto, tradesmen’s tools of every description, chamber pots, and more as weapons! In the savage hurly-burley of combat, there is no time to dwell upon the true purpose of any one thing. All that mattereth about the items within thy reach is how they may be used to maim, cripple, and kill thine opponents.
D.F.: You sound just a little too happy there talking about that…
H.F.L.G.: And how can I not?! There is naught in this world more thrilling—more invigorating—than a good, bloody brawl!! The cries of agony, the spatters of crimson roundabout, the bodies of slain foes piling up in great heaps at thy feet…! There is no greater joy than standing amidst a scorched and bloodied battlefield having just slain a company of one hundred men singlehandedly…
D.F.: *winces* And…what about all of this about you burning cities to the ground? How exactly did you accomplish that? Is it just that your power is so great you can do it with a snap of your fingers, or…?
H.F.L.G.: Oh, if only it were as simple as that…I would have burned down more cities that way! Nay, to burn an entire city to the ground requireth more fire than I can conjure up at once. For such an exercise, I combine the flames which I summon of mine own accord with the flames which already existeth within the town—hearths, forges, ovens, candles, lanterns…things of that sort. I call upon them and intensify them, spread them until they merge and consume every structure and being within reach! In just such a way, a bustling city may become a raging inferno in a few hour’s time…if the weather and winds be in my favor, of course. It truly is great fun!
D.F.: …Alright…Just one last question before I have to go. What is the deal between you and Inferno Bendis? Why do you seem to hate each other so much?
H.F.L.G.: He irritateth me. What more is there to discuss? That lank-limbed, ghostly pale, third-rate conjuror is more useless than a one-legged nag, and so too is his magic! In addition, his mewling and complaining of the merest things upon the road mark him as the spoiled, sheltered little milksop—fresh-weaned from his mother’s teat—that he is! He sickeneth me…
D.F.: Looks like physical combat isn’t the only area where you excel at low blows…Well, that’s it for now. Thank you, Lord Goramesh. This interview has been…enlightening.
H.F.L.G.: Surely it hath. Now, if thou shalt excuse me, I must hunt down the slothful, contemptuous jack-dogs who have read so far both volumes of this tale and have not yet set forth a single review and beat them like drunkards’ wives.
D.F.: NO!! That would be a P.R. NIGHTMARE!! Plus, what you just said is politically incorrect on at least two different levels!
And so, the young woman got The Hellfire Lord to settle for leaving bags flaming poo on their doorsteps instead, and then headed back to write up their interview…hoping he wouldn’t follow through on his evil plan.
Well, that does it for this week. I’m taking next week off for Mother’s Day, but join me the week after for more awesomeness. Until then, you can check out The Star-Runner Chronicles on Amazon.com (print and Kindle ebook versions available), check me out on Twitter for randomness and project updates, poke around my Pintrest page to learn a bit about me at a glance, check out my Fan Works Spot for a bit of free entertainment, or just archive binge around here for more interviews, articles, and short stories! Also, if you like my books or my blog (or know someone who would) don’t forget to spread the word to your friends and drop a rating on your favorite book review site if you have the time. So, take care and have a wonderful week and a happy Mother’s Day!